Tuesday, July 31, 2012

confession of love

sometimes when i stop thinking of you
i think i should think some more
of all the good reason you cought my eyes
you stole my thoughts
and made my dreams
then i feel so blue
it's not about me any more
it's you
it's all about you
a whole realm
of me and you
you haunt my dream
it looks so real
and surreal
it made me believe in you
and when i awake
i smile
half a smile and half a frown
one half for you
the frown for me that i don't have you
so would it be
that it's me
who's haunting you

Psychoses V (grand finale)




Insomniac for 9 months
i confronted my demons
Whispers in my head drive me to wonder
About life and its meaning
Why am I here
Do you think
Do you think
Do you think
Voices and visions from far distance
My days and nights seemed endless
My suffering seemed shoreless
And then it was all ended
I was a newborn
Under the calm craziness of the night
I regained my sanity
And the nonsense passion for vengeance
But from whom
And for whom sake
Think
Think
Think
But I didn’t want my brain to work
I needed a hideout from my thoughts
And so I went silenced
3 days of calmness
Was it serenity precedes insanity of a storm
I cried and cried and cried for months
Wetting the verses of holiness with my hopeless tears
And I’m the cold hearted that have never known tears
I’m the fearless hopeless who knows no petty
I’m the one who treasure the present
I have no regrets for the past
And no plans for tomorrow
I’m the one who Mocks pain and sorrow
But I’m the one with hysteric madness
That blows every once and a while leaves nothing but ashes of marvels
Beneath this crazy calm lies a sleeping volcano
And I saw marvelous gift of the beginning of life
And I so that life giving up to soon
Would heaven shed a tear for me
Or heaven would weep for her
Would heaven deny a sinner
Or would it aid the pure spirit
I felt wholeness
Whispers and visions from all the distance
Sufferings and rejoice
Prayers and songs
The good and the bad
Old and new
Chanting and blasphemies
Life and deaths
All came together
And I felt I am one with the very soul of heaven
Emerging from blind dark core of hell
Insomniac
Amnesiac
But I felt alive
A reborn
Revived from all my doubts
And I had but one faith
I am the designer of my destiny
Under the eyes of the lord
Watching my steps
Leading me to no frustration
I and I alone own this moment
And tomorrow is a new day
Always
Smiled at an angel
Frowned at evil
Hissing
Like a black terrified cat
under the eye of the sun
amnesiac
with no memories remain
I conquered my demons

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Chain love letter


It was the year 1997
Where I 1st step foot into heaven
I don’t remember who was the 1st that smiled
But I remember the waffles
We both ordered waffle to go
It was December
She ordered waffle with chocolate
And ice-cream topping
I said I’ll have that too
And I remember her smile
We had our little talk
He name was Nancy
And I wished
That the waffles would take eternity
The guy came back
We were laughing with goy
He said waffle for the happy couple
I remember her face turned red
Like the sun sets in the far horizon
Drawing a hundred colors in the sky
Drawing a hundred million promise
So I said please to meet you
She said the pleasure was all mine
I turned around and walked steady short slow steps toward the door
She touched my hand with hers
So I looked into her
I remember her smile
We walked to the rocks at the sea
And there by the rhythm of the waves
Scattered sea salty water on our faces
She was soluble as the waffles
Sweet like the ice cream
Vigor Determined serene just like the sea
And I remember her kiss
I felt the world whirling around us
We were Nucleus
All the stars the galaxies
The light the shade the moon and the sun
Whirling around us
As I pulled my head back
We both were blinking
A slow smile
2 young kids has just had their 1st kiss
As she moved her head from right to left
From left to right
I just said
I love you
She threw herself on my shoulders
We took a bottle and we wrote our story
It was short
We wrote our vows
A massage in the bottle
We cast the bottle in the sea
We will never be apart
Our love will live forever
If anyone found this bottle
Please add you name
And the name of your love
And throw it in the sea
For a chain lover letter will pass
Through all of eternity








Saturday, July 28, 2012

psychoses IV

misguided
misguided but determined i was
deluded by illusions of confident
and i am no quitter
i stalked my dream
but my dream denied me
i knew it
but it didn't recognize me
and i watched hope grows smaller
the more i walk toward it
and i sensed time goes slower
as i ran toward it
misguided
out of aim
i cried my way to the middle of nowhere
wreckage
waved by voices and visions
my legs took me to where wreckage belong
to the middle of nowhere
i cried a river
and another river drained dry
i let a prayer
and i lied on green grass
wondering if i'm alive
or is it the world that is dead
and i saw a skeleton lying besides me
my legs took me to where they can't walk any more
i was on tracks
a dog barked from behind
i was so sad to get scared
i was so carless to look at him
but by the sound of it
it must have been a monster
is any of this really happened
frankly i had no clue
and i still have no clue
but i'm sure that my dream has denied me
and i had no reason to live
light from the distance
seems blurry
but i kept walking
it was fire
sigh
i lost my ID
my wallet
my cell
intentionally
i know the deads can dance
i know they might be happy
they might be sad
they might be in a better place
they might be burning in hell
they might wish to return
but what i know for sure
they need no ID

Thursday, July 26, 2012

my last song

I sing...
I sing for sunrays through colorful cloudy sky
Dispels the cruelty of winter cold
I sing for morning dew moisturize the green leaves
Giving them luster and glaze
I sing for a painter in the streets in downtown
To add a smile to the desperate model on his canvas
I sing for the cold of departure
I sing for the yearning lovers
I sing for a new born 1st cry
I sing the misery of chronic weeping eyes went dry
I sing for a late tryst lover’s sigh
I sing for my first love
I sing for my many loves
I sing for my home I’ve never seen
I sing for refugees
I sing for rejoice
I sing for torments
I think for hope and I sing for tomorrow
I sing making them cheer
And I can sing to make them weep
And now I sing for you
You came to my life and now I sing from the heart
Hoping you be my sacred song
Written with tears and blood
Written on stone to ever last
Written on my heart
Written to embrace and to chant
You’re my song
And I sing it from my heart that you fill with one truth
One love made you my home and my destination
And I sing it with ecstasy
Hoping you be my last song
Where to run for
And where I belong

psychoses III

Burnin inside
It’s too hard to be left behind
It’s too hard to live with half a mind
To live with false memories of the past
To feel cheated
And that who cheated you is your own heart
It’s dark cold hell that we’re apart
Burnin inside and out
Torn apart
Shattering puzzle pieces on fire
You had to move fast
Putting the picture together
Now all what’s left is ashes
A broken record
You’re going in circles
No beginning
No course
No purpose
No tender hand to reach out for you
To revive you
hissing at an angel
Chirping to a smiling devil
trapped in an innocent soul
and a pure spirit trapped in me
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust
But from beneath this dirt and mud
Rises a white rose bud of shiny hope
watered by tears
and endless patience

psychoses II

right now all i need is a friend
i think i'm dead
may be this is the afterlife
we know nothing about it
may be it look exactly the same
a second chance
to correct your mistakes
to repent
to meet the right person
to find God
in the most far places you've never imagined
but to meet the right person
those faces
those words
all the craziness of the world
and my past
are haunting me
and i think i'm dead
i still get sick
i still eat
i still bleed if you or anything cut me
and i still remember you
but it doesnt make any sense
and i'm still waiting for that brave someone
who can smash me into reality
you're still alive
and she's gone
she's gone man she's gone
get yourself together
and Just move on

Monday, July 23, 2012

Mushroom cloud

i knew you

like i know the lines on my palm


where we started and where we're going


and where we should end together


i knew you


and i cheated on you


in the blue dark of a drunkard at the bar


i saw something in her eyes that reminded me of you


it was one kiss


i feel lost


in your arms i drowned


in your dreams i felt found


this is i admit that i love you


and i can't hurt by the truth


it's tiny stupid mistake


and i've got no excuse

you don't need to know about this

but it felt like guilt in a size of a mushroom cloud

In a Savior's Arms

 
There is a place inside my brain
 
A tiny place that I locked many times
 
This place won’t let me in peace
 
A song an image a movie a place I’ve been to
 
They crack that place opened
 
Avalanche of all sad memories
 
Fall into one place
 
Nostalgia
 
I couldn’t what if if I could
 
Guilt heavy as my cowardice
 
I’m sorry to you
 
But above all I’m sorry for myself
 
That I lost everything
 
And I couldn’t forgive my self
 
Full of regret
 
Then
 
There a place in my heart
 
Where I’d like to be
 
Where I’d like to spend my time at
 
That place in my heart
 
It has no door
 
And many windows
 
All the ways leads to that place
 
An escape from my past
 
A smile to the daylight
 
A promise to tomorrow
 
I’d make it right
 
This place has many names
 
Forgiveness happiness and peace
 
And the two places seems hazy
 
I’m lost in the middle and I’m drowning in between
 
Waiting for a savior
 
And in their arms
 
I might be redeemed

Always come back to me

Tell me about those days
 
Those days before we met
 
Tell me about those words
 
That made me melt
 
Tell me how many times you fell for a girl
 
How many times more
 
You said you were lost
 
And that you found me you felt found
 
It’s not about…
 
It’s not about words you say
 
It’s about the way you tell them to me
 
It’s not about being there for me
 
It’s about how you make me feel when you’re around
 
It’s not about another ordinary love
 
It’s about..
 
Where ever you go
 
Whoever you’ll meet
 
You must come back to me
 
It’s about...
 
It’s about traveling the world if I ask you to
 
So you may prove its round
 

I found God

I find myself wiser than my age,
But I feel haven’t seized my colorful youth

I trapped myself between books
preaching about goodness and warnings of evil
I couldn’t accept them and I ran into alcohol and lust and pleasures of life
To tease the religious in me, to challenge the mercy of my lord
Will he accept me when I finally will be found
Then I realized I was looking for God in all the wrong places
I found that evil is relative and so was goodness
To be good toward an evil soul that’s just as evil as being evil to an innocent
I found God in the smile of orphans when I gave them something to eat
I saw God as I helped a blind old lady crossing the street
i saw God when i strike with no mercy against a murderer or a child melester,,,
i found God when i saw that nothing we do goes in vain
and even a tiny smile in the face of a stranger
will be rewarded in our life

How Can I

why we are irritated by grains of sand in our eyes
and we were creatures of sands
and sands we will dive deep within for eternity
why we get bored of time
and time is all what we've got
then we regret an instant we lost in vain
we moan we yearn an instant made us happy
and why we're afraid of death
and death is the time to reap all we planted all through our lives
and it's the price we have to pay to be reunited with our loved ones
those we gave farewells
why pretty girls are offended by flirting
and flirting was made for them to be wooed
and why i forbid flirting from leaving my mouth
if its not gonna touch your ears
how can i forget you
how can i forget you and where ever i go i see your silhouette fighting you and it embraces me
breakin my ribs
squeezing my heart
a shiver take over my body
shaking me
crushing my all
then my eyes shed the tears
but rather blood
tell me how can i forget you
how to let go
and your are my life, my life doesnt worth its shade
since you're gone
my life is gone with you
and i became shade of a man
shade of a life
a life that has lost it's colours
it's black prevailed on the white and  details was lost in it's gloom
robbed out of it's senses
lost without a guide
how can i forget you
and you tought me terms i could never know if i didn't knew you
and i knew you
when your smile reflected on my eyes
gave them a sparkle of joy
drew a smile on my face
smile for a smile
terms you tought me their meanings
like hope
bright of tomorrow
beauty
love
even hate
apology
and forgiveness
sacrifice
and happiness
now that you're gone and your light has left me
my dictionary is all faded
but one name
your name
and all what's left for me
shadows of all the beauty you made me see
you left me in labyrinth
and i'll remember you untill we're reunited

Our memories


You are like my shadow that follows me everywhere I go
You haunt me like a ghost from a long time ago
You invade my thoughts night and days
Till my head's in a spin
You are the only love of my life
That I can't forget no matter how long it has been
You enslaved my spirit and wrapped yours to mine
As a gift within the borders of the unlimited joy
That makes you who you are
We’re just drowning into each other
And I wonder how you invaded my privacy
And how come I liked it
How could you plant your flag made of silk of light on the land of shadows of my loneliness
And I just loved it
It’s just a game and I thought I’m the master
Now I know that I started to learn the ABC's
I’m just a tiny drop in your wide deep blue seas
But it was out of our hands
We both fought but we couldn't conquer fate
At the cross road our dream was taken away
And I woke up on a scream
Where are you now
You left me locked on that throne in your mind
You just forgot me there
As your brain etched I’m in heartache
And now that you're gone
All those years full of fears all the tears
For the memory
I still hold on
And all the while
With sorrow in my heart
Our memories keep a smile
On my face